Danga Fasaad?

"The moon which was now clear of clouds lay in a bare space as if the light had consumed the heaviness of the clouds and left a perfectly clear pavement, a dancing ground of revelry. For some time the dappled iridescence of the sky remained unbroken.Then there was a puff of wind and a little cloud crossed the moon."
                                                                                                                                         Virginia Woolf

The day had been rushed. We got to the hall, excitement and expectation fluttering through stomach and out with an exhalation of 'I hope it lives up to what they said. I hope it matters.' It did.
I have always thought I wanted that one experience, that one thing which will inspire me to write a blog; thoughts that weren't just jotted down in journals. Watching NH 10 was it.

I don't think it was the movie as much as the pent up emotions waiting to burst open, one after the other, which found some semblance of coherence after watching this film. The movie in itself resonated with me only because it felt piercingly real. There were times when I watched the film and randomly recollected something my mother told me as a growing girl in this country. "Make sure you lock your door in the car. Don't stop alone at the red light."

But what struck me most were the two police officers sitting to my right who laughed like it was some greatly amusing joke for a woman to try to erase abuses scribbled on a bathroom door. Or when she was bargaining for her life, literally and being offered a flower in turn.  They didn't return for the second half of the movie.

They say a woman is woman's worst enemy. I think that's true. But this isn't about 'feminism' as my friend would say. This is about dreams and fears.

I've always been a patriotic child. An idealist. A dreamer. I have wanted to change the world and I entered into the profession of law with this one desire to fight for the rights of women. It was my life-long ambition, still is,  to make that dream a 14 year old held on to, come true. I just want to find the strength to make it happen when all I can hear in my head is, "A girl is like a diamond. Keep her in a temple to worship. If you throw her in the street, ofcourse the dogs will take her away."

To be honest, I feel like a mess of emotions I feel terrified of unravelling because they're too intense. I feel hurt. By the apathy and the attitudes of those men I sat in the hall with and those innumerable ones around me, echoing the same. I feel a quiet burning rage that makes me want to kill with a complete understanding of what it means to take a life, another human being's life, that lately just brings out this uncontrollable, raging beast in me.

For the first time in my life, I think I know what it is to feel like a woman who is what she is, not because of this country but despite it. I know what it feels to be powerless and scared yet at the same time be filled with a quiet glow of pride. The pride that makes me walk with an "intransigent spine" and want to give back to these people what they repeatedly hurl at me and the women like me. I know what it feels to be fierce and never want to back down against the thousand remarks and judgemental gazes that flick over me, resenting me, wanting an explanation for why I seem fearless everytime I choose to voice opinions I believe in, "things, no woman should say out loud." I feel the urge to shame the men who unabashedly stare at me when I walk past them in a mall but turn away and look elsewhere, unable to meet my eyes, when I ask them the score of the India-Australia semi-finals match.

I feel the hope through this stormy night, like that moonbeam waiting to shine upon the darkness. The desire to live a life with a vision that isn't "coloured with anger." Most of all, I feel this strong irrational, optimistic belief that's driven me my entire life- Only good things can happen to me.

Let there be light on this journey I want to call a life that will let me be remembered. Let me have the glory I want to achieve. Let me make a change to the lives that set me out, treading this path where I will witness self-discovery and meet people who will change my life. Let me wake up every morning, with the boundless energy to drink the colours that will paint the canvas of my life.

Note to self: Carpe Diem!