Facing the Mirror
Have you ever had the odd sensation of wanting to laugh and cry in the same breath?
Doesn't it completely baffle your mind, that both feelings which tend to be stemming from generally polar events wish to occur at the same time? Do you feel the dark humour or genuine glee and tears of joy or silencing sorrow, battling inwardly, to determine which shall prevail and in the process, letting none escape?
It sucks. (*giggles* *feels the urge to cry for giggling at something so stupid when something so profoundly bothersome is in mind*)
So. I think I'm a mess of emotions in this moment. I find myself travelling back to the time I wrote my first post. Inspired by a movie that I had the grateful pleasure of watching with a friend, I promised to myself that I will begin this quest to unravel my wound up strings, brush out my dustiest corners and face the frank riddle I am, with a straight spine, unapologetic and admiring of the person I am after I discover her.
I was enchanted, enthusiastic and encouraging, with hopes and dreams that were waiting to be executed energetically.
And today, I find myself smiling at that child with idealism shining in her eyes and am forced to reconcile where I find myself writing this, now.
I'm changing. It's paralysing. It cripples me, to think I may not be the person I was, the person I loved and simply wished to improve and yet I wish to evolve into someone I will look up to. I feel torn between letting go of belief systems that have shaped my soul, my idealism and incorporating new ones that demand refusal of co-existence with prior thought processes for fear of being hypocritical.
I want to be perfect. It's 'unrealistic', you'll tell me but really, I need to strive for it, otherwise I won't even reach a remotely respectable position in my own eyes. Is that pressurizing myself too much? Yes. Would I be willing to settle for anything else? No.
That sorted, *breathes deep*. Pause.*Breathes out*. Okay.
*Looks at self in imaginary mirror* Husko, relax and work towards where you want to be. Don't let injustice pass you by, unnoticed. Don't let yourself be violated. Don't compromise your dignity. Most of all, let your integrity be the staunchest watchman of your conscience. Don't close your eyes to the truth but go out, grab it by the horns and refuse to budge when it crashes over you, overpowering your will and whispering seductively, to close your eyes because you'll break. If it breaks you, let it. It's only building you. You will rise, every time you fall because you're a survivor. You're meant for greatness so don't let the world's worst hold you back. Least of all, make you doubt your abilities. You're fucking brilliant, bordering on outright astounding, so come on. Just one more step. One at a time.
You will make it.
PS- I can feel myself rediscovering myself again, in a way that is not entirely naive, the way I used to be, yet keeps me grounded and true to the essence of her, as I choose to become the finest version of myself. So, help me God.
Doesn't it completely baffle your mind, that both feelings which tend to be stemming from generally polar events wish to occur at the same time? Do you feel the dark humour or genuine glee and tears of joy or silencing sorrow, battling inwardly, to determine which shall prevail and in the process, letting none escape?
It sucks. (*giggles* *feels the urge to cry for giggling at something so stupid when something so profoundly bothersome is in mind*)
So. I think I'm a mess of emotions in this moment. I find myself travelling back to the time I wrote my first post. Inspired by a movie that I had the grateful pleasure of watching with a friend, I promised to myself that I will begin this quest to unravel my wound up strings, brush out my dustiest corners and face the frank riddle I am, with a straight spine, unapologetic and admiring of the person I am after I discover her.
I was enchanted, enthusiastic and encouraging, with hopes and dreams that were waiting to be executed energetically.
And today, I find myself smiling at that child with idealism shining in her eyes and am forced to reconcile where I find myself writing this, now.
I'm changing. It's paralysing. It cripples me, to think I may not be the person I was, the person I loved and simply wished to improve and yet I wish to evolve into someone I will look up to. I feel torn between letting go of belief systems that have shaped my soul, my idealism and incorporating new ones that demand refusal of co-existence with prior thought processes for fear of being hypocritical.
I want to be perfect. It's 'unrealistic', you'll tell me but really, I need to strive for it, otherwise I won't even reach a remotely respectable position in my own eyes. Is that pressurizing myself too much? Yes. Would I be willing to settle for anything else? No.
That sorted, *breathes deep*. Pause.*Breathes out*. Okay.
*Looks at self in imaginary mirror* Husko, relax and work towards where you want to be. Don't let injustice pass you by, unnoticed. Don't let yourself be violated. Don't compromise your dignity. Most of all, let your integrity be the staunchest watchman of your conscience. Don't close your eyes to the truth but go out, grab it by the horns and refuse to budge when it crashes over you, overpowering your will and whispering seductively, to close your eyes because you'll break. If it breaks you, let it. It's only building you. You will rise, every time you fall because you're a survivor. You're meant for greatness so don't let the world's worst hold you back. Least of all, make you doubt your abilities. You're fucking brilliant, bordering on outright astounding, so come on. Just one more step. One at a time.
You will make it.
PS- I can feel myself rediscovering myself again, in a way that is not entirely naive, the way I used to be, yet keeps me grounded and true to the essence of her, as I choose to become the finest version of myself. So, help me God.
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